Last night I smashed my face while I was looking at Eva Mendes naked pics online. I was whacking the dong when I got all fired up and dove head first in my screen hoping I’d somehow end up in the bed next to Eva Mendes in the picture. Well it was an epic fail, thanks to Jumper, one of my tooth fell off. So I put that shit under my pillow and tried to pick up where I’d left. I wished for an Eva Mendes sextape. This morning, I almost jizzed in my pants when I saw the header on Buzzfeed that says Eva Mendes Sex Tape in size 18 font, Times New Roman(or could be Garamond, the hell do I know about fonts?) and an exclamation point!
The pervs over at Buzzfeed is basically saying that somewhere, someone is sitting on a precious tape that might feature Eva Mendes getting her Cuban punani ransacked in every which way by a pack of hybrid motherfuckers, one of them a blogger. But of course, that’s just me. Who knows what that shit is about. I’m just crossing my balls that it’s 100% legit ‘coz if not, I got a tooth fairy I’ll have to capture and sell as a Hula Girl dashboard.