Date Posted: November 19, 2010 - 12:34 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag

Because Heidi Montag is a big bowl of wtf and confusion, reports say she is now regretting that she allowed herself to be raped by a scalpel ontop of a surgeon’s operating table, specifically her deceased Dr. and the genuis who created Heidi Montag’s rack. Via The Fab Life:

“As the dead can’t talk back, Heidi’s blaming her late enabler, Dr. Frank Ryan, whom she called “the most amazing person I have ever known…an angel” when he died in August (a week before she announced it was impossible to work out with those boobs), for her poor choices. “It was a lot harder than I was led on by my doctor…I didn’t know how excessive it really was.”

I don’t know what that Spencer Twat is saying to this blonde bombshell for her to have these insecurities but can somebody sit this poor girl down and tell her that just because her fake husband is afraid of breasts, doesn’t mean that it’s evil. No Heidi it’s not true that those juicy monsters will suffocate you in your sleep.

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Date Posted: October 2, 2010 - 12:53 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag

Because Twit and Twat thinks everybody is stupid enough to fall into their fakery, they announced to everyone that they will no longer push through with the divorce. Heidi Montag’s tits figured they needed someone to rub baby oil in it when days get too dry and Spencer Twat is the only one willing. Via TMZ:

“As we previously reported, Heidi called off her divorce from Spencer — and as a symbol of their (unfortunately) undying love, Speidi fed each other s’mores that they’d cooked over an inferno of legal docs.

Heidi tells TMZ she was waiting for Spencer to make her his top priority: “All I ever wanted was to know that Spencer loved me more than he loved all this other nonsense.”

Spencer then went out of his way to the bookstore and consulted a Hallmark card and replied, “Through everything it’s been Heidi’s love that kept me grounded. Realizing my behavior was pushing her away was a terrifying wake-up call. I’ve still got a long way to go to repair the trust, but I hope with continued self improvement, our relationship will be stronger than ever.” How fucking touching. Wake me up when these two finally fake their deaths.

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Date Posted: September 16, 2010 - 1:18 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag

Now for more famewhoring and douchebaggery news, some people are accusing Twit and Twat for using the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer they attended last Sunday for the free publicity and photo-op. NOOOO WAY???

Spencer contacted us with more details. He claims he and Heidi, “Accidentally happened upon the event, and immediately asked how we could participate. We would’ve loved to walk, but unfortunately Heidi’s surgeries prevented that.” Instead, Spencer says they bought “gear” to donate to the cause. Spencer also corrected his rep’s statement — saying it’s not a friend who had breast cancer … he says, “My nana is in the hospital battling cancer right now — so it’s a cause that’s extremely personal to me.” Spencer says it’s offensive for anyone to suggest this was just a “photo opportunity.” -Superficial

So let me get this straight, Heidi Montag’s tits can’t stand walking in a park but she can bounce around and in the ocean ’til her huge honkers are churning butter from the silicon? Get the fuck out.

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Date Posted: August 30, 2010 - 1:37 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag

Since I know you guys are shitting for an update on that Heidi Montag-Karissa Shannon sextape, here it is, but it might be a little disappointing. Heidi Montag is apparently queefing that the sextape doesn’t exist. Okay, so it’s very fuckin’ disappointing! But wait, all’s hope not lost fellas. Pat your dick and tell it that it’s okay because Karissa is saying the complete opposite and that there is more that she doesn’t want the public eye to see which in whore translation means ‘How much are we talking about here?”.

The blonde Playboy Playmate says in an interview, “I talk to Heidi every single day and I tried to be there for her when she was going through her divorce, but now it’s starting to affect my life. Spencer had no right to steal my camera. There are other things on there that I don’t want to come out, including the video of me and Heidi.” Ya’ll know how this goes fellas. We go back to jacking off over sexy-shaped tupperwares until this sextape comes out.

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Date Posted: August 27, 2010 - 12:40 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag

Shortly after the news came out over the alleged Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sextape, some sources are farting out this juicy detail that a Heidi Montag-Karissa Shannon sextape is just waiting to be unleashed from the fires of hell. Reports say that Spencer Twatt found the lesbian sex romp on video when he was moving out his things from their Malibu home.

Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon is queefing that the said sextape does exist but she doubts Twat has got his filthy hands on it, but if he happens to have it and sells it for dick money, she’ll sue the hell outta him. Well if this shit is true, this is more I like it! I don’t need to sit my ass awkwardly infront of a sextape that has the mighty douchebag’s tiny pecker in it, though I’m pretty sure Vivid would pixelize it. What’s that you say? Yeaah asian porn-style, exactly!

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Date Posted: August 26, 2010 - 1:11 am by: Paris

Wank all you can over Heidi Montag’s tits because those puppies already have a deadline. Human Blow-Up Doll is on the cover of Life &Style and has even managed to take out a weiner from her mouth to talk about a few things about everything fake, i.e. her whole fuckin’ life! She said in the interview that she had no idea her naked bits were being recorded when she and Spencer Twat were having fuck times, adding ‘I’m mortified at the thought that people could be looking at me naked before I had the surgery.’

Proceeding to confess about fakeness, she said that she was desperate to go back to her old self, the one who hasn’t been raped by a scalpel on a surgeon’s table, and to make her monster tits a little smaller, since painkillers aren’t doing shit. Heidi also told Life & Style that she can’t do normal activities saying, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.” Well like practically everything that’s comin’ out of her mouth, I think this one’s bullshit. Deuxma has bigger power jugs than her and that bitch can take three wieners between her tits while doing sommersaults. ‘Nuff said. Now about that sextape…

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Date Posted: August 23, 2010 - 12:35 am by: Paris

I guess after a long break, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt has had enough time to come up with another outrageous plan for famewhoring overkill only this time there’s nothing outrageous about it. I mean c’mon now, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sextape? Color me fuckin’ DUH! That’s the grand finale everyone’s expecting from these two shitheads.

Just like their planned fake relationship, fake wedding and fake divorce, Twit and Twat has orchestrated the release of their sextape to Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch telling TMZ that he ‘just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.’ Steve adds, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Now since we’re talking about the topic of outrageous, Spencer Twat is telling people that their sextape will make Kim Kardashian look like an amateur. Is this butt nugget implying there would be more than just peeing? Well dayum, this better top Two Girls and a Cup ‘coz I’m already having a debate with myself on whether on not it’s worth the risk looking at Spencer’s dick to see Heidi Montag in all her naked plastic glory–being a port-o-potty!

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Date Posted: August 3, 2010 - 1:51 am by: Paris

It was just last week that reports claim that a nosy bitch farted to the media how she saw Spencer Pratt hanging out at Heidi Montag’s house, and today People is saying that Heidi is divorcing Mc Creepster, leaving him with probably no money, no career and no one to drive a buttplug to his ass. Which means, I now have a 90% chance to stalk Heidi Montag without a  curly-blonde bearded psycho wearing a G.I. Joe costume  jumping out of the bushes to cut me in half with a plastic toy axe.

Anypaidbeard, People are reporting that Heidi’s petition for separation has been amended by her and she has filed for dissolution of marriage from Pratt and he basically agreed. In a last ditch effort to save his ego, Curly Psycho took to his Twitter to state the obvious. So color me fucking DUH.

@mtv I got served with divorce papers? I thought that preacher at the wedding was one of the actors like my paid friends and family & exWIFE
@mtv This whole time I have really been married? I thought we did that for ratings?

Okay I got two things. One, somebody needs to literally dickslap this turdbrain, give him a rope and a step by step and two, where do WE file a divorce from these two fame-humping mongrels? Wait wait! Okay. Heidi Montag and her rack can stay I guess but only if she’s got an accessory in her mouth. An accessory called a duct tape.

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Date Posted: August 1, 2010 - 1:48 am by: Paris

It looks like Twit and Twat are still up to their old tricks and scheming for the another fuckery to pull out next because to no one’s surprise, Spencer Pratt was seen hiding in Heidi Montag’s tits, err I mean house despite each other’s statements that they have already separated.

Via RadarOnline:

“I saw Spencer, he seems really normal. He actually showed us his new project he’s working on,” Stone told RadarOnline.com. “He showed us a clip of the movie. I thought it was really funny. I think it’s about a lifeguard that’s trying to get girls. And the lifeguard is kinda of like a douche-bag type of guy, not too cool.”

Stone, who watched the clip with both Heidi and Spencer, says she has no idea if a reconciliation between the two are in the works but “she didn’t even know they were going through a divorce” based on their hanging out session.

Jeezus, these two vermins just won’t quit will they? While Heidi Montag is the dumbest, most annoying hoe in town, shamefully I won’t kick her ass out of bed. Spencer, on the other hand, is some children of the corn shit who will only be silenced using a can of gasoline and a matchstick.

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Date Posted: July 23, 2010 - 3:06 am by: Paris
Categories: Heidi Montag, Snooki

Because heated tension between two filthy rats are expected at any given day in the Celebwhore world, Jersey Shore’s vapid vermin Snooki is saying that she will plant her midget fists on Heidi Montag for the simple reason that she’s Heidi Montag.

TMZ reports:

“I will punch her in the face because I don’t like her,” Snooki said when asked if Heidi should join her show. “She had too many surgeries. She looks like an alien and guidettes don’t look like aliens, just saying.”

Snooki was then asked if Heidi had said anything in the past to prompt such a reaction. She explained, “I don’t know [if she said anything about me]. I don’t research Heidi because she’s nothing to me.”

I mean I could understand why Snooki would be so insecure at the pristine pillow that is Heidi Montag’s tits that’s why she farted out those words but it sounds like her morning speech at the bathroom when she looks at herself in the mirror.

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