Jessica Simpson thinks all people are gross as her and thinks this little random advice on farts will benefit us in our daily lives so she posted this shit on her Twitter:
“This link just made my morning! RT @OMGFacts: The average person farts about 14 TIMES each day! How to fart less? –> http://bit.ly/dl3Dss.”
Well I may not be gross but I sure am as nosy as fuck. Probably too nosy for my own good because I clicked on the damn link!
“Fourteen farts add up to about a pint of gas daily! You can cut down on your farts (or at least the bad smelling ones) by reducing your intake of dairy products and fatty foods. Another way to fight your gastrointestinal odors is by eating artichokes!”
I really got nothing. I mean seriously, how can you compete with a fart trivia? No way on earth can you top that so let’s just all focus on that pic of Jessica Simpson’s ‘hang on a sec while I fart’ face!
We haven’t seen Jessica Simpson’s tits in a while and I honestly thought she joined the Sumo wrestling federation already but bitch is back and if there’s anyone who’s totally credible in spilling their diet secrets, it should be someone who looks exactly the same as when we last saw her in her fat state. Doesn’t make sense right? Well it’s Jessica Simpson fellas, it only makes sense.
Ok Magazine reports:
Has Jessica Simpson been talking to Gwyneth Paltrow? The singer has spent the weekend eating vegan food, meditating and undergoing the ancient treatment of cupping.
“Shocked my system with a vegan diet, special Pu-erh tea from China, and cupping since friday! Who am I right now? This might be too clean!” Jessica confessed via Twitter last night.
The Price of Beauty star, who has talked openly about her struggles with her weight and body image, spent the weekend on a new age retreat with a healer called Master Wang. Clearly, whatever he was doing worked, taking Jess on a far-out mystical journey.
“Has anyone ever tried cupping?” she Tweeted yesterday. “When u know you are doing something good for your body the meditation creates intense visions. Love it!”
Just what the heck exactly is cupping? The only cupping I know involves my two palms and a set of funbags.
Jessica Simpson revealed on the Ellen DeGeneres Show that she doesn’t brush her teeth everyday. No shit.
“Because my teeth are so white and I don’t like them to feel too slippery but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday,” she said. “But I don’t brush them every day.”
Jessica also said she wipes her teeth with her shirt all the time, that’s her alternative to brushing. She added, “I know it’s gross but I always have fresh breath. It’s really weird but I have great breath.”
RIGHT. And elephants can fly, Jessica. Well, I guess we’ve finally discovered why Jessica’s boyfriends still dump her even though she’s a sexual napalm.
Jessica Simpson may be a little desperate, because she’s getting old and still single. And her exes just consider her as a sex machine. Well, at least John Mayer. Jessica shared with the women of The View her wanting to have children soon. And if all else fails, she’ll start having sex with her gay bestfriend Ken Paves.
”I can’t wait to have kids. I want to have kids. If I don’t have kids by the time I’m 40, my best friend Ken Paves and I are going to have children,” she dished. From the audience, Ken shouted, “I’m trying to convince her to go [for a baby] before I turn 40!”
Well. First, the boob grabbing. Now, this. Is Jessica sure that Ken Paves really is gay? I have my doubts.
Now that Jessica Simpson is no longer just Jessica Simpson, but Jessica “Sexual Napalm” Simpson, she seems to be more confident and open about the issues she dealt with throughout these years. Issues like, her ex-Tony Romo. And of course, the living word vomit that is John Mayer.
Jessica was at The Late Show with David Letterman to promote her show The Price of Beauty. When asked about Tony, she said, “Tony is great, still a friend of mine. I still look at his cute butt in the outfit – uniform.” Well, you see how Jessica has changed, commenting about his ex’s butt?
Regarding John Mayer’s comments about her, Jessica sang a different tune this time. If in her past interviews, she said she was hurt, now, she considers the comment as a compliment. “He gave away my game, ” she even said. Yeah baby, we now know you’re like a porn star in bed.
Well, I guess that’s what lots and lots of attention can do to your head!
Well, at least Jeremy Renner. The Hurt Locker actor and Oscar nominee is rumored to be hitting on Jessica Simpson, aka Sexual Napalm, as they were seen chatting and flirting at some party.
A source claims, “Jeremy spent the night hitting on Jessica like crazy. They were really flirting up a storm… Jessica loved it!” Of course she loved it! Well, after getting dumped on her birthday last year, this is definitely an ego booster for her. Well, thanks to John Mayer for that!
Well, it turns out that it took a while, and quite a long while indeed, for Jessica Simpson to understand what John Mayer meant when he said that Jessica was like a “sexual napalm” to him. Well, after weeks of it being on the news, it was just recently that Jessica cried over the comment. Jessica went on Oprah to talk about it and said, while holding back tears, “I’m not angry… maybe a little bit… I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.”
Well, it’s too late now, Jessica. We all know now that you’re a pretty good bedmate. But we wonder, what exactly did you do in the bedroom that got John Mayer addicted?
Is Jessica Simpson’s gay bestfriend Ken Paves really gay? Because the way he grabbed Jessica’s breasts doesn’t scream gay. Maybe he’s just pretending to be gay to get free passes to a show of nude celebrities.
John Mayer’s tacklessness is at it again. And this time, he talked to Playboy about everything under the sun including how good Jessica Simpson was in bed.
PLAYBOY: In 2006 you began dating Jessica Simpson, and the paparazzi started stalking you, turning you into a tabloid fixture. Certainly you knew that was going to happen.
MAYER: It wasn’t as direct as me saying “I now make the choice to bring the paparazzi into my life.” I really said, “I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson.” That was stronger than my desire to stay out of the paparazzi’s eye. That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.
PLAYBOY: You were addicted to Jessica Simpson?
MAYER: Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.
PLAYBOY: But before you dated her you thought of yourself as the kind of guy who would never date Jessica Simpson.
MAYER: That’s correct. There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”
Out of all John Mayer’s word vomits, this particular conversation about Jessica was the only useful piece he has ever said. I mean, we all know Jessica used to be hot with her big tits and all, but comparing her to a drug on the context of sex sure is enlightening. It just how goes to show how skillful she was on bed, at least with John Mayer. I now just wonder how Jessica’s reverend pop would react on this.