When Lindsay Lohan isn’t secretly carpet munching someone in rehab, she’s partying and getting secretly drunk and assaulting people. Noooo way??? Lindsay would never do that! And now the popos are sniffing on Lindsay Lohan’s ass trying to solve the mystery of the Lohan assault. Ya know, for formality’s sake. Via TMZ:
“Lohan is a suspect in a criminal battery investigation and the alleged victim — a staff member at Betty Ford — wants Lindsay prosecuted … this according to law enforcement sources. The Palm Desert Police Department is now investigating an altercation that occurred after Lindsay and her roommates reportedly went to a bar and came back home. Upon arriving at the house, the incident with a female staffer from Betty Ford allegedly went down. The police received a call at 1:03 AM on December 12 for “hand-to-hand battery.”
You know what, if I was Lindsay I’d totally milk money out of this publicity. I’d have cameras follow me around and do a reality show. ‘Coz seriously, Firecrotch Lohan creates more drama than any soap opera ever made. She could just be herself being a famewhore and every day is another dolla!
In other Lindsay Lohan news, who would’ve known Lindsay Lohan’s ass is still stalker-material. Reports are saying she’s getting harassed by a still unknown person, raping her cellphone with his unanswered calls and feeling like he’s Edward and she’s Bella, watching her every step. Via TMZ:
“Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ Lindsay has been receiving harassing phone calls and text messages from unknown numbers — and the unidentified person behind them has been making disparaging statements about her recovery … and her family. Even scarier, the unknown person is saying he/she knows where Lindsay is staying and is watching her.
Okay, can someone check Michael Lohan in the men’s room. I think I heard him in the cubicle with a muffled voice, singing “Every break you take” to someone over the phone. I swear this family is making their own reality show using the paparazzi’s cameras and we don’t even know it. It’s called being practical bitches.
Cross your fingers Lindsay Lohan fans, ‘coz you just might have the Christmas wish you’ve been jizzing over at night. Lindsay Lohan may just be giving you a shitload of panty upskirts and wardrobe malfunctions by joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars! This is so kind of trickery to get better ratings but I think it’s worth it! Via Radar:
“The producers were concerned about her erratic behavior, but they are taking another look at asking her to come on for the next season because she is doing so well at her sober living facility,” the source added. “The producers are aware that she would be available because she isn’t going to be filming Inferno.”
As much as Lindsay Lohan annoys me so much, I think this should be fun. This is the start of a new comedy/dance competition TV show genre as soon as those bastards over at DWTS puts her in the cast. She’ll take us back to the days of running man and the chicken dance so get your Mc Hammer moves ready!
Lindsay Lohan is pissed off at the paps for making her life miserable everyday so she decided to slap each one of those scraggly bitches a lawsuit and a restraining order after they put her driving privilege in the gutter. Sources say that when whe was scheduled to get her keys, Betty Ford halted the idea and told her it’s too risky for her safety what with the paps always at her tail. Via TMZ:
But sources involved in the decision tell TMZ … just when Lindsay was supposed the get the keys, Betty Ford decided it was too much of a safety risk to put Lindsay behind the wheel, because the paparazzi were creating an unsafe driving situation.
We’re told Lindsay emailed her lawyer this weekend — with pictures attached showing the paps following her — asking the attorney to go to court for the restraining order.
In other news, Redbull and Coke just field a restraining order from Lindsay Lohan’s ass for abusing them on a regular basis.
Because we already knew this was gonna happen, E! Online is already confirming the inevitable…we won’t be seeing Lindsay Lohan’s ass being humped by a group of horny studs neither will we be seeing her love scene with a dog humping her leg because the producers of the Linda Lovelace biopic has had enough of her tricks and is now quitting that bitch. Via E! Online:
“We are withdrawing our offer from Lindsay Lohan,” Wilder says. “We are currently in negotiations [with another actress] and working out the legalities of bringing her onboard.”
“We have stuck by Lindsay very patiently for a long time with a lot of love and support,” Wilding says. “Ultimately, the impossibility of insuring her—and some other issues—have made it impossible for us to go forward.”
As much as I know this shit was gonna happen, it still blows. Lindsay Lohan could’ve won a Grammy for doing the only one role she’s a natural at. Update: Malin Ackerman is going to replace Lindsay as Linda Lovelace. Oh haaaael to the yeeeah!
Just shortly after Lindsay Lohan was seen hanging out with her dad Michael Lohan trying to rekindle their broken father-and-daughter bond, reports say Michael is back to getting in Lindsay’s hair. Some nosy sources close to the family is saying that Mr. Lohan showed up at Lindsay’s without calling first and instead of getting an arms-spread-wide welcome from her daughter, he got booted. Via TMZ:
Sources close to Lindsay tell us Michael showed up — unannounced — in the lobby of Lindsay’s apartment building moments ago. When security called Lilo — who’s only back in L.A. for the day — she told them to send Michael packing. We’re told Michael left without a fuss, but the damage is done — Lilo is upset Dad showed up on her doorstep. Someone in Michael’s camp claims he was just trying to bring her some Chinese food for dinner.
Maybe Lindsay just woke up and was wearing her morning face on, and knowing how much of a publicity-whore Michael is, she knew there was going to be cameras around so why risk it? Besides, who wants to see Lindsay without make-up on? Halloween was over 2 weeks ago!
Much as to nobody’s suprise, Lindsay Lohan’s ass won’t be marinating in jail because Judge Elden Fox has granted her to stay in rehab at the Betty Ford Center instead of the 180 days of time behind bars. Sources say there was a possible chance that the judge was going to send Lindsay to jail but somehow ended up acting the foo’ giving in to the requests of Lindsay’s camp. Via Radar:
Lindsay was ordered to stay at Betty Ford until Jan. 3, 2011. The district attorney wanted Lindsay to do 180 days of hard time behind bars and said, “we have not gotten her attention yet.” The judge made a point of keeping Lindsay in rehab through the holidays. “There is a reason for that,” he said in court. Judge Fox also said he was new to “this sort of rodeo.”
Seriously, at this point, this ginger cokewhore could rob a bank or run over an old lady crossing the street for all the law could care, but Lindsay will always be a free bitch. I bet she’s masturbating over the judge’s decision right now. Dayummm…she must be a real good muff diver to always be giving the law the middle finger and getting away every fuckin’ time.
Because I haven’t posted any shit about Lindsay Lohan’s fuckeries for a day now, I’m sure you’re feeling the cold turkey by now. So let me be the one to give you your Lindsay fix today. Apparently, rehab isn’t helping the ginger cokewhore in any way because bitch is back to her old tricks. Reports are saying that Lindsay almost escaped the Betty Ford Clinic if it wasn’t for a rehab-mate who caught her clothes on the fence. Via Radar:
“Lindsay and her co-conspirator were forced to give it up and flag down a volunteer, who was crossing the center’s grounds on a golf cart,” a source, with knowlegde of the situation, told RadarOnline.com.
“The pair was safely returned, decaffeinated, to their hall, were they were the center of a process meeting over what they had done.”
Okay somebody should get their facts straight. I’m calling bs on this one. Lindsay Lohan resorted to getting an ccomplice for coke as opposed to giving someone a blowjay? Believe me, this rat will get her strawberry snortcake one way or another.
Ofcourse. It only makes sense that any screwed-up coke addict like Lindsay will blame their shit on the people who raised her, in this case Michael Fucking Lohan. The ginger skank is queefing out to everyone at the Betty Ford clinic that it’s because of her father’s abusive ways and dysfunctional family that she became a carpet-muncher, juvenile attention whore, aspiring pornstar, whatever she is today. Via TMZ:
Lindsay repeatedly talks about allegations Dina made in her divorce papers … that Michael abused her. Lindsay says she witnessed it firsthand, and it’s still tough to deal with. In particular, Lindsay claims she had to step in and protect her mother from Michael. Michael has denied allegations of physical abuse.
So let me get this straight, is Lindsay Lohan trying to hint that in order for her to get a healthy lifestyle and a coke-free, drama-free and jailcell-free life is if somebody puts Michael Lohan in a plane and give him instructions how to fly to the Bermuda triangle? No? Err…well I tried.
If you’re one of those fuckers who has a lot of free time on his hands then maybe this shit will interest you. As you know, the little ginger cokewhore Lindsay Lohan is brewing her ass in a rehab right now and based from these pictures, she looks like she fits in so well in the group. Do those people belong in the sex rehab building? Just making sure. Anwyay, let’s just pretend ayou’re one nosy bastard who cares about things of no value at all and take a peek at Lindsay’s daily schedule:
* 7 am wake up call
* 7:30 am breakfast (this consists of an omelet cooked to her liking or her choice of cereal, pancakes, fresh fruit)
* 8 am meditation followed by chores (chores are assigned during the first four days depending on Lindsay’s attitude)
* 9 am group therapy
* 11 am individual therapy
* 12 pm lunch
* 1 pm grief group
* 3 pm exercise (Lindsay can only work out in the gym or do water aerobics)
* 4 pm meeting
* 6 pm dinner
* 10 pm lights out
Wait, something is missing. Where did they squeeze in ‘steamy romp with the carpet munchers in the shower’? But I was told!