Date Posted: August 26, 2010 - 1:11 am by: Paris

Wank all you can over Heidi Montag’s tits because those puppies already have a deadline. Human Blow-Up Doll is on the cover of Life &Style and has even managed to take out a weiner from her mouth to talk about a few things about everything fake, i.e. her whole fuckin’ life! She said in the interview that she had no idea her naked bits were being recorded when she and Spencer Twat were having fuck times, adding ‘I’m mortified at the thought that people could be looking at me naked before I had the surgery.’

Proceeding to confess about fakeness, she said that she was desperate to go back to her old self, the one who hasn’t been raped by a scalpel on a surgeon’s table, and to make her monster tits a little smaller, since painkillers aren’t doing shit. Heidi also told Life & Style that she can’t do normal activities saying, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.” Well like practically everything that’s comin’ out of her mouth, I think this one’s bullshit. Deuxma has bigger power jugs than her and that bitch can take three wieners between her tits while doing sommersaults. ‘Nuff said. Now about that sextape…

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Date Posted: August 23, 2010 - 12:35 am by: Paris

I guess after a long break, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt has had enough time to come up with another outrageous plan for famewhoring overkill only this time there’s nothing outrageous about it. I mean c’mon now, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sextape? Color me fuckin’ DUH! That’s the grand finale everyone’s expecting from these two shitheads.

Just like their planned fake relationship, fake wedding and fake divorce, Twit and Twat has orchestrated the release of their sextape to Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch telling TMZ that he ‘just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.’ Steve adds, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Now since we’re talking about the topic of outrageous, Spencer Twat is telling people that their sextape will make Kim Kardashian look like an amateur. Is this butt nugget implying there would be more than just peeing? Well dayum, this better top Two Girls and a Cup ‘coz I’m already having a debate with myself on whether on not it’s worth the risk looking at Spencer’s dick to see Heidi Montag in all her naked plastic glory–being a port-o-potty!

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Date Posted: August 3, 2010 - 1:51 am by: Paris

It was just last week that reports claim that a nosy bitch farted to the media how she saw Spencer Pratt hanging out at Heidi Montag’s house, and today People is saying that Heidi is divorcing Mc Creepster, leaving him with probably no money, no career and no one to drive a buttplug to his ass. Which means, I now have a 90% chance to stalk Heidi Montag without a  curly-blonde bearded psycho wearing a G.I. Joe costume  jumping out of the bushes to cut me in half with a plastic toy axe.

Anypaidbeard, People are reporting that Heidi’s petition for separation has been amended by her and she has filed for dissolution of marriage from Pratt and he basically agreed. In a last ditch effort to save his ego, Curly Psycho took to his Twitter to state the obvious. So color me fucking DUH.

@mtv I got served with divorce papers? I thought that preacher at the wedding was one of the actors like my paid friends and family & exWIFE
@mtv This whole time I have really been married? I thought we did that for ratings?

Okay I got two things. One, somebody needs to literally dickslap this turdbrain, give him a rope and a step by step and two, where do WE file a divorce from these two fame-humping mongrels? Wait wait! Okay. Heidi Montag and her rack can stay I guess but only if she’s got an accessory in her mouth. An accessory called a duct tape.

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Date Posted: August 1, 2010 - 1:48 am by: Paris

It looks like Twit and Twat are still up to their old tricks and scheming for the another fuckery to pull out next because to no one’s surprise, Spencer Pratt was seen hiding in Heidi Montag’s tits, err I mean house despite each other’s statements that they have already separated.

Via RadarOnline:

“I saw Spencer, he seems really normal. He actually showed us his new project he’s working on,” Stone told RadarOnline.com. “He showed us a clip of the movie. I thought it was really funny. I think it’s about a lifeguard that’s trying to get girls. And the lifeguard is kinda of like a douche-bag type of guy, not too cool.”

Stone, who watched the clip with both Heidi and Spencer, says she has no idea if a reconciliation between the two are in the works but “she didn’t even know they were going through a divorce” based on their hanging out session.

Jeezus, these two vermins just won’t quit will they? While Heidi Montag is the dumbest, most annoying hoe in town, shamefully I won’t kick her ass out of bed. Spencer, on the other hand, is some children of the corn shit who will only be silenced using a can of gasoline and a matchstick.

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Date Posted: June 18, 2010 - 2:29 am by: Paris

Because these two fuckwits will come up with any kind of fuckery to make money, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are apparently selling a made-believe story on adultery on any magazine who’s stupid enough to take the bait.

NY Post reports:

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag won’t let anything get in the way of their quest for fame — not even reality. They’ve been pushing their split by trying to sell a made-up story that Heidi may be cheating with Spencer’s close pal, Marine-turned-bodyguard Cougar Zank. A source told us, “Heidi and Spencer are try ing to play out a fake reality show in the press and get paid along the way. They’ve been approaching magazines and Web sites to buy the fake story of Zank having an affair with Heidi. They’ve been asking for $100,000. But no one is interested as they don’t sell magazines.” A rep for Pratt and Montag didn’t get back to us.

The way these two twats think really baffles me to the core. I doubt Heidi’s the one playing the role of the bad guy. It would be more believable if they came out with the story on how Spencer left Heidi for the marine dude then maybe the only way they can probably make a few bucks from this crap is if they try and sell a gay sex tape to Brokeback.com.

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Date Posted: June 9, 2010 - 2:18 am by: Paris

Because they practically believe  that everybody rode in on their long-played fakery, Twit and Twat decided that it was finally time to pull out the”not quite yet” card before the big “joke’s on you foo!” card by filing for separation.

TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned Heidi Montag just showed up at the Santa Monica Courthouse and officially filed for legal separation from Spencer Pratt. She lists irreconcilable differences as the reason for separation.

Heidi did not file divorce papers. The legal significance of legal separation is that her earnings will become her separate property from the date of separation. Heidi lists the date of separation as today, June 8.

To hell with it, my mind was forcefucked with these two’s fuckery for far too long now, and I’ve put up with it. But don’t tell me crap about how this attention whore has such earnings because I just can’t keep a straight face with that. The only earning she might have is Spencer Twatt’s crystal pube beard.

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Date Posted: June 4, 2010 - 2:14 am by: Paris

Well holy flying cow! At first I thought these staged shots of a pube-faced douche pretending he has the gods on his side while running from an invisible force in the jungle was some rejected scenes from the movie Tropic Thunder. Apparently, it’s something better.

This is actually Heidi Montag’s fake-estranged husband Spencer Twat Pratt thinking he’s G.I. Joe jumping tiny streams, flying-kicking jungle mosquitoes and making sure he’s got the right time by wearing two watches, one on each wrists. Man…he is so hardcore! Now where do we sign up this little fucker to Iraq?

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Date Posted: May 31, 2010 - 2:53 am by: Paris

She may be a walking love doll made of plastic but it’s good to know Heidi Montag actually has a brain that works at times because she has finally flew the coop. A rep for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt confirmed that Twit and Twat are no longer living under the same roof.

TMZ reports:

Heidi’s rep tells TMZ, “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”
We’re told Heidi is looking for a new place in Malibu.

Awww how freakin’ sad. But they were soul mates! I bet Spencer would have a helluva time digging himself out of that big puddle of fame whoring desperation. Did I say desperation? I mean depression. Everybody knows Spencer without Heidi is like a douchebag without it’s nozzle.

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Date Posted: May 6, 2010 - 2:00 am by: Paris

Life & Style Magazine reports that Heidi Montag is still not contented with her big, plastic boobs, and wants to get them bigger. The reality actress has already scheduled her next plastic surgery to do just that, the magazine claims.

Aside from that not-really-shocking information, the mag also babbles about Spencer Pratt trying to stop his wife from doing more surgeries, and that it was Ryan Seacrest’s remark that Heidi’s breasts didn’t look that big was what “put her over the edge.” Spencer says Heidi misinterpreted the host’s attempt to “calm preshow jitters.”

I don’t know if Heidi’s boobs can grow any bigger than they are now, but then she already looks like a porn star/freak show, so I guess it wouldn’t make that much difference if she goes under the knife again. But seriously, what this famewhore needs is professional psychological help.

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Date Posted: April 19, 2010 - 4:04 am by: Paris

Spencer Pratt recently bashed his former The Hills co-star, Audrina Patridge, by attacking her fake boobs. In an attempt to divert everyone’s attention from his wife’s probably bullshit claims of sexual harrasment, Spencer decided to pick on Audrina because she had a boob job too. Yeah, the husband of 90% percent plastic Heidi Montag said this:

I would like to make it CLEAR! My wife and audrina have severed all ties! We no longer deal with that fake world and fake people like her. Audrina – Don’t hate because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press… and my wife is #1 story on people – 5 days in a row!
Who elected you to gage cool – BITCH! Why don’t u and ur played out 90s singer Cabrera go into a bathroom stall and do what u do best… Audrina – you want press? Leak another 50 naked photos of yourself like u did to get relevant to in the first place. So glad my wife gets her surgery in bev hills and not where Jwow and audrina go. We love american doctors!

I’m not attempting to back up Audrina or anything, but, this, people, is douchebaggery at its finest. Nothing but the best from Spencer and Heidi!

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