Since I know you guys are shitting for an update on that Heidi Montag-Karissa Shannon sextape, here it is, but it might be a little disappointing. Heidi Montag is apparently queefing that the sextape doesn’t exist. Okay, so it’s very fuckin’ disappointing! But wait, all’s hope not lost fellas. Pat your dick and tell it that it’s okay because Karissa is saying the complete opposite and that there is more that she doesn’t want the public eye to see which in whore translation means ‘How much are we talking about here?”.
The blonde Playboy Playmate says in an interview, “I talk to Heidi every single day and I tried to be there for her when she was going through her divorce, but now it’s starting to affect my life. Spencer had no right to steal my camera. There are other things on there that I don’t want to come out, including the video of me and Heidi.” Ya’ll know how this goes fellas. We go back to jacking off over sexy-shaped tupperwares until this sextape comes out.
Now that everybody’s favorite ginger juvenile trainwreck’s ass is outta rehab and is just lurking in the midst, reports say that she wants to revive her broken down career and she’s doing it with the help of two people who played a big role in trying to revive Britney Spears’ career namely Lou Taylor and Brit’s manager, Larry Rudolph.
A source says Lou has been taking care of Lindsay’s fashion deals including the one with Marc Ecko and another deal with a Russian fashion company. I don’t know who’s the most stupid one among the two ‘good samaritans’. Anyone who works with this gingerwhore was probably not loved in his or her childhood and is looking for the shittiest way possible for bankruptcy. I mean the only time we hear about Britney Spears is when she turns into Clitney Spears on her gone-commando days. Anyway, here’s Lindsay Lohan doing step 1 to Britney Spears transformation: #1 You are to walk the hoe stroll without ever wearing a bra.
Since everyone(and by everyone, I mean those ginger-loving sick fucks who gets off by seeing freckled juvenile carpet munchers) have been talking about Lindsay Lohan and her misdaventures in the jailward, Paris Hilton’s tits thought it was time to up her game to get her foot back in the fame door by all means, and she did it with the help of her new boyfriend, nightclub tycoon Cy Waits.
Reports say the two got thrown in the chokey in Las Vegas the other night when the popos caught a whiff of what smelled like marijuana coming out of the window of her boyfriend’s Escalade, and when they checked her purse—surprise!—a small bag of the powdery shit was found in her bag. The two assholes were detained for a few hours in Clark Country Detention Center on suspicion of cocaine possession but was later released without bail. Meanwhile, Parasite Hilton hired Vegas lawyer David Chernoff who released a statement that says, “Paris Hilton was released this morning on her own recognizance. This matter will be dealt with in the courts not in the media and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law. There will be no interviews and no more comments at this time.” So relax fellas, the interviews will be after Paris has crawled from under his desk.
Well, bummer. Apparently, this twiggy vapid whore will live to be 30. According to reports, a few days ago, a 40-year old guy listened to the voices in his head and decided to pay Paris Hilton a visit and brought his two friends aka two big freakin big knives to do the dirty work but was a big epic fail after the security alarm in Hilton’s residence notified the police. Cops say they arrested the man around 6:30 in the morning and was hauled off to a local jail. Ofcourse, like any other attention whore, the first thing Paris did was tweeted the incident saying, “So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes [sic]. Cops are here arresting him”.
Paris told the LAPD that she was awakened by the sound of banging on her windows and the barking of the dogs. Above is the attached pic Paris included in her tweet showing cops at her home. How Wolverine got past the gates is still a mystery. But $20 says the security guards let him in. Whaddya say?!
Okay, who here wants to see Jennifer Aniston naked? Because it’s her career on the line here, Jennifer Aniston decided to take things to a whole new sluttier level in her upcoming movie comedy, Wanderlust. Since her last few movies totally bombed at the box office, the brunette cougar is getting desperate to still stay on the spotlight so she’s doing full frontal this time!
That and uh, she smokes pot. That and she sleeps with every other guy. That and she does a threesome with two other women. Uh, yep. Reports say in this movie, she plays as a wild rebel who goes topless to stop a slew of bulldozers who smokes weed on the regular. That should be interesting. Hopefully the censor bar would be just above her neck.
Shortly after the news came out over the alleged Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sextape, some sources are farting out this juicy detail that a Heidi Montag-Karissa Shannon sextape is just waiting to be unleashed from the fires of hell. Reports say that Spencer Twatt found the lesbian sex romp on video when he was moving out his things from their Malibu home.
Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon is queefing that the said sextape does exist but she doubts Twat has got his filthy hands on it, but if he happens to have it and sells it for dick money, she’ll sue the hell outta him. Well if this shit is true, this is more I like it! I don’t need to sit my ass awkwardly infront of a sextape that has the mighty douchebag’s tiny pecker in it, though I’m pretty sure Vivid would pixelize it. What’s that you say? Yeaah asian porn-style, exactly!
I’m sure you’ve already heard the news that there’s a vapid cokey bitch by the name of Lindsay Lohan roaming free among us. Yep. The jailbird is no longer licking toilets—among other things, in the chokey because the judge has set her free with a set of rules that she has to live by unless she realized that’s where her real home is.
According to TMZ, Judge Fox slapped Lindsay with a list that gshe has to comply because she’s still in fucking probation:
– Reside at home until Nov. 1
– Random drug and alcohol testing twice a week
– Participate in psychotherapy a minimum of 4 days a week
– Attend behavior therapy sessions 2 times a week
– Attend a 12-step program
If cokebitch breaks any of the rules, the judge will throw her back in the chokey for 30 days. Since we’re talking about the California legal system here, a good 7 days is what that 30 days meant. She might as well start doing shots on each of the jury and it’s just gonna be like a trip to the candy store for the consequences, so I’m gonna go ahead and start the countdown.
To absolutely no one’s surprise, there are reports flying around that Mariah Carey is pregnant with husband/boy-toy/purse holder Nick Cannon’s baby. I’m confused, but isn’t she pregnant for 3 years already? Anyway, Nick spoke to New York’s 92.3 FM and didn’t say shit about it, telling everyone “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it time and time again — when my wife feels like talking about whatever she wants to talk about, you will hear it directly from her.”
Some nosy bitches over at Radar is saying that Hello Kitty freak has been trying to get pregnant and has no plans in tweeting it out to har fans until she gets pretty close to the full term but the source adds that ‘Mariah has passed the four month mark in her pregnancy’. Well dayum…if she looks like she could eat eat Shamu in one bite at 4 mos, can you imagine what she’d look like in her 9th month? Cut to scene 83: ‘Godzilla roaming loose in the city while people are freaking the shit out’. Yep.
Wank all you can over Heidi Montag’s tits because those puppies already have a deadline. Human Blow-Up Doll is on the cover of Life &Style and has even managed to take out a weiner from her mouth to talk about a few things about everything fake, i.e. her whole fuckin’ life! She said in the interview that she had no idea her naked bits were being recorded when she and Spencer Twat were having fuck times, adding ‘I’m mortified at the thought that people could be looking at me naked before I had the surgery.’
Proceeding to confess about fakeness, she said that she was desperate to go back to her old self, the one who hasn’t been raped by a scalpel on a surgeon’s table, and to make her monster tits a little smaller, since painkillers aren’t doing shit. Heidi also told Life & Style that she can’t do normal activities saying, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.” Well like practically everything that’s comin’ out of her mouth, I think this one’s bullshit. Deuxma has bigger power jugs than her and that bitch can take three wieners between her tits while doing sommersaults. ‘Nuff said. Now about that sextape…
Remember those vintage Angelina Jolie bdsm pics that were leaked a month ago? Well Jennifer Aniston can throw a slumber party with her ken doll named Brad because there’s more from where that shit came from. From the unauthorized biography by Andrew Morton not only does these pics show Angelina Jolie on the bed with a criss-cross black tape covering her nipples, you get to see a piece of her ass in a thong!
I’m not sure what fuckery went down in these pics or more importantly who tooks these shots but unless someone steps his foot forward and own responsibility, I’m gonna go ahead and think that Jennifer Aniston traveled back a few years ago in a time machine, put on a wig and a moustache and sweet talked Angelina Jolie into this with her knife collection story. What? You got somethin’ better?