I guess after a long break, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt has had enough time to come up with another outrageous plan for famewhoring overkill only this time there’s nothing outrageous about it. I mean c’mon now, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sextape? Color me fuckin’ DUH! That’s the grand finale everyone’s expecting from these two shitheads.
Just like their planned fake relationship, fake wedding and fake divorce, Twit and Twat has orchestrated the release of their sextape to Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch telling TMZ that he ‘just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag.’ Steve adds, “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.” Now since we’re talking about the topic of outrageous, Spencer Twat is telling people that their sextape will make Kim Kardashian look like an amateur. Is this butt nugget implying there would be more than just peeing? Well dayum, this better top Two Girls and a Cup ‘coz I’m already having a debate with myself on whether on not it’s worth the risk looking at Spencer’s dick to see Heidi Montag in all her naked plastic glory–being a port-o-potty!
What in the name of cougar on Pedobear assault is this?? I guess we all know who’s sexual appetite has gone to furrier pastures! The bitches over at Facebook didn’t bother to remove the sticks up their asses to share a laugh with the British pop icon but instead banned this photo of Kylie Minogue giving a handjob to a huge stuffed bear.
Sources say their reason for doing so is because Kylie happened to violate the Facebook terms which states that they do not allow photos that contain nudity, drug use or violence which I think Kylie hasn’t done so. Sure the bear isn’t wearing underwear at all, like all self-respecting stuffed bears do but I mean raise your hand if you haven’t atleast posted a pic on FB that violated the terms. Raise your hand if you don’t have an FB pic of yourself drunk off your ass and stoned while three asian trannies wearing micro minis with their balls hangin’ out doing body shots on you that didn’t get banned. Wait–what??
Yeah dude, I know. Just looking at these ultra boner-inducing sexy pictures in Allure is just making your wieners want to do a triple somersault before diving balls-deep in a lava-filled volcano hole known as her punani but the real story here is actually Kim Kardashian’s asshole. Kim reveals in an interview in Allure that there isn’t a whiff of hair that you can find in her body, making me think that she probably started hated anything hairy after seeing Chewbacca humping her mom one Christmas night but that’s just my theory.
Kim went on to say, “I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms…my entire body is hairless.” And that includes her asshole. But back to my theory. Anyone agree with me on this one? I mean, it could be a Yeti. Just look at her sister Khloe.
And now, more news from the Fishburne household. Because no one wants a whore for a daughter (unless of course if your name is Woody Allen) Morpheus has officially cut off her pornstar daughter Montana completely after going all out in her career as Chippy D for Vivid Entertainment. Montana told TMZ that the last time she heard from her dad he told her he wan’t going to speak to her until she turns her life around adding, “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn”.
While I 100% agree on Morpheus’ point about pornstars shouldn’t use their real name, it’s not like any of that even matters. People forget who you are anyway once you’re in that school teacher uniform. In her case, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter. Does that ring any be—woooooooooooah there Nelly! *wipes jizz off keyboard*
If your peen was doing the banana dance this morning and you couldn’t figure why, then maybe it has got to do something with the fact that your little guilty pleasure Disney slut chick Demi Lovato just turned eighteen today! Heeeeells to the yeah! No more closing the windows when your jerking off to sexy pictures of this rockstar-ish Latina hottie incase the FEDs kick the shit out of your door and taser your pedo dick.
Nope, those bastards can sure fuck off ‘coz she’s finally 18! I don’t know about you fellas but I’m just gonna go ahead and prep myself for leaked pictures of Demi Lovato naked or something to come up anytime soon ‘coz I’m sure they’re just lying comfortably somewhere in some hairy dickwad’s hidden folder in his laptop(I’m looking at you Joe Jonas) waiting for this day. Well the day has come douche. Take your finger off your asshole for a minute and show me them titties! Not yours! Jeezus!
Well here’s something to make your day. If you hate the asian leprechaun whore that is Tila Tequila, then sit around and read on because I got some food for the soul for you guys. Tila Tequila’s tits attended The Gathering of The Juggaloos yesterday, and Tila being Tila performed onstage topless. You’d think these Juggaloos would be entertained to see a gremlin with a rack double the size of her face but instead of throwing whistles and cheers, the crowd went apeshit and became a mob of violent gremlin haters, attacking her with huge rocks and fire crackers and, well, human poo even. Why not?
Tila told TMZ a PVO detail of what happened saying that before she evn got onstage, the Juggaloos were hauling huge stone rocks in her face, practically making it sound like she’s the second coming of Magdalene, except that Magdalene probably had more class that this vapid whore. She also went on to queef that the mob was trying to kill her and threw firecrackers in her face adding, “they almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!” Geezus…you’d know your singing talent sucks balls when even Juggaloos want to silence the shit out of you.
Sooo, guess who’s following in the footsteps of Heidi Fucking Montag? Yep, when it comes to subtle teen whoring, you can always count on Miley Cyrus to outskank herself everytime. Because what better way to distract the audience form her fugly horse-face than getting double D’s? Yaaaaaaay!
Some sources are farting out that Miley is balls-deep into getting a boob job and has asked her parents to sign the consent form since she’s just 17 year old, but the source is pretty sure that ‘“Billy Ray and Tish are letting her go for it. She’s beyond their control, anyway.” Yeah, just like the time they allowed her boyfriend Liam to move in with her. But I guess they can’t say shit because Miley’s putting the bread and butter on their table, Billy Ray have no choice than to roll over and sign the thing even if it means breaking his achy breaky heart.
Well apparently even real masculine-looking guys who gets to bang the hottest chick on the planet still stray away from the jugs to go fantasize aover A-lister actors’ dicks. I’m talking about Penelope Cruz’s long-time fiancée, award-winning actor Javier Bardem’s man-crush for Brad Pitt. He said in an interview with Elle that he thinks Brad Pitt’s beauty is desirable and his ‘physicality is so amazing to see’. Basically, Javier is implying that he finds Brad’s body as tasty as a burrito with red hot chili salsa.
I don’t know about you but after reading the interview, I sense Tom Cruise is already in the works writing a Brokeback Mountain 2 script using a pen attached to his asshole. But seriously, I’m not sure where these homo-erotic comments of Javier are coming from but the only way I could approve of a Javier Bardem-Brad Pitt sextape is if Penelope Cruz is also in it.
A few days ago, Teri Hatcher decided to post a picture of herself on Facebook coming out of the shower with only a towel. Yep you heard that right, with only a towel. I got to admit when someone told me there’s Teri Hatcher bathroom pictures circling around the net, I was expecting to see some of boner-inducing shit, like maybe Teri Hatcher’s tits or something…until I remembered, this is 2010 fellas not 1980’s. So these pictures are doing more damage than good. If you’re wondering why she’s looking like a stray cat who was forced to bathe in the tub by its owner it’s because she wanted to tell the world that she’s not into botox unlike the regular attention whores you see on TV.
Moving along, she tells on her Fb that she just wanted to let the haters a little truth behind what we all know about beauty, adding, “”Did I every toy with fillers or Botox over the years? Yes. Tell me does this look Botoxed to you? Yes I am alone in my bathroom naked in a towel on behalf of women everywhere trying to make a point. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”
Geeze, all this fugly monstrosity just to prove a point? Well the reason why people want to sit their asses infront of tv is to take a break from looking at their fat ugly wives all day and at least get a decent boner out of it so no thanks, we don’t need another reason to put a gun in our heads and totally hate life. Teri H could’ve just posted a picture of a 60-day old cheese sandwhich and it would’ve had the same effect on my tummy.
Take it from Rihanna to show you the right way to fuck up both a language and her tattoo. The R&B icon got her latest tat over the weekend with the words “rebelle fleur” on her neck but some cunning linguists over at PopEater is saying the tattoo is an epic fail, just like the one Hayden Panettiere had on her ribs.
Basically, what Rihanna wanted was the words ‘rebel flower’ translated in French but as some source said, ‘adjectives typically follow the nouns they modify. To translate as “rebel flower,” which we assume is what she intended, that tattoo should read “fleur rebelle”. I mean ofcourse she would fuck that shit up. We’re talking about someone who asked for a mushroom haircut from her stylist and had it dyed engine fuckin’ red. This bitch is all kinds of fail!