Date Posted: September 24, 2010 - 2:28 am by: Paris
Categories: Snooki

Because it’s her true main goal to destroy humanity so her gremlin people can finally take over the world, Jersey Shore’s Snooki is planning to make an album that will melt our eardrums and shrink our brains. Via Chicago Sun Times:

‘SCARY THOUGHT: “Jersey Shore” phenom Snooki is quietly working with a couple of record producers — putting together her first album.’

Man, what is up with these Jersey Shore butt nuggets that makes America looks like a huge jungle of assorted beasts. She’s an embarassment. She probably thinks it’s a brilliant idea. It could be, only if this vapid troll can reach the microphone.

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Date Posted: September 24, 2010 - 2:26 am by: Paris
Categories: Katy Perry

Katy Perry’s tits got banned from Sesame Street after they’ve received a shit ton of complaints from parents who thinks her tits are pure evil. Katy’s song with Elmo was uploaded in YouTube on Monday with nearly a million views. Some of the complaints received include a parent saying his son got a boner out of the song so the producers decided no to air the damn thing. Via TMZ:

‘Among the parental comments:

– “You can practically see her t*ts. That’s some wonderful children’s programming.”

– “they’re gonna have to rename it cleavage avenue”

– “my kid wants milk now”

Fact is … what looks like Katy’s bare chest is actually covered in flesh-colored mesh that goes all the way to her neck.’

Flesh mesh or not, it’s still tits. I watched that shit and I instantly felt the need for some milk, and I’m not even wearing diapers. But I mean did those mothers who complained even looked at the bright side? So many daddies will have bonding time with their kids if they aired this shit.

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Date Posted: September 23, 2010 - 1:42 am by: Paris
Categories: JWoww

Who wants to see J-Woww naked? Seriously?  Dayum. Playboy has just started to sound like a charitable institute all of a sudden. Imagine paying one of those fugly-ass bitches from Jersey Shore $400k to strip and offend people with her naked nalgas and punani? Where has the world gone to? Via Radar:

‘… there is a $400,000 offer from the mag for the Jersey Shore star to pose naked. We’ve also learned that the deal is not final and may face contractual obstacles from the reality TV show.

“Talks have been going on for a long time now and the highest offer she has received is $400,000,” revealed our source.’

Wow, has the magazine turned their taste towards MILFs? ‘Coz this bitch looks like she’s pushing 40 already. If that’s the case, why not let Pamela Anderson do the job instead of this trashy nobody. Then I figured out why. It’s a 2 for a price one package fellas! The gremlin whore Snooki might be in on this deal too. It’s a fuckin’ abomination!

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Date Posted: September 23, 2010 - 1:32 am by: Paris
Categories: Paris Hilton

Nobody wants Paris Hilton, not even the place she claims is her second home–Japan. Reports say that Paris fluttered her mantis wings to fly to Japan on a ‘business trip’ but got held up by authorities as soon as she got off the plane.

Paris’ rep tells TMZ, “Paris Hilton was delayed by immigration authorities at a Japanese airport this evening after arriving for business obligations planned many months earlier. Paris was contractually bound to her business trip and didn’t want to let down her brands and many Asian fans.”

I’m really curious as to what this ‘business trip’ of hers is all about. Unless it’s a Bukkake movie with her as the star, I’d say throw her to the wilderness with her dildo for comfort.

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Date Posted: September 23, 2010 - 1:28 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

Well it looks like Lindsay Lohan’s ass won’t be that broke anymore since bitch has got another unusual offer to star in a movie where people with balloon fetishes will jack off over her. I don’t know either. Via TMZ:

A rep for Clips4Sale.com tells TMZ they sent the offer to Lindsay’s lawyer — if LiLo comes in and pops a few balloons — on camera of course — she’ll leave $50,000 richer. No nudity. No whips. No chains. Confused? TMZ spoke to several balloon-popping enthusiasts who tell us the rush comes from “the feeling of fear associated with a balloon that may pop at any second.”

Interesting. Who knows, maybe her career will pick up from there.  Dressing up as a clown and popping up balloons at children parties doesn’t sound too bad. I mean what are the chances for her to fuck that up too, right?

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Date Posted: September 22, 2010 - 1:16 am by: Paris
Categories: Lady Gaga

This isn’t really news-worthy but I figured you’d all want to see Lady Gaga before she became the fugly-ass monstrosity that she is today. I got to admit, she looks pretty fuckable here. She also looks like a chola who frequents co-ed sex parties and after a few beers, you’ll see  swinging her panties in the air, plunging balls-deep in the sex romp.

That being said, I’d definitely hit it. Quick hand me the lotion before the image of the clown-tranny Lady Gaga pops in my head!

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Date Posted: September 22, 2010 - 1:13 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

It hasn’t been over a month and the jail cell is already calling Lindsay Lohan’s ass back to the ward. Reports are saying until the probation violation hearing takes place, the Coke Bitch will be staying behind bars. The hearing could be anytime between next week to until 30 days so here’s to hoping that shit will take forever! Via Radar:

‘If it’s set for 30 days from now, Lindsay will remain behind bars during that time if that is what Judge Fox decides.” And, of course, Lindsay is looking at even more jail time after the probation violation hearing, thanks to testing positive for cocaine.’

I’m starting to think maybe this trainwreck is pulling a Robert Downey Jr. Get all trashy and borderline suicidal then clean her act later to become a star again. I mean yeah that sounds great…except that Robert Jr. actually has real talent.

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Date Posted: September 22, 2010 - 1:00 am by: Paris
Categories: Justin Bieber

Why this sly little punk-ass turd. If you’re hearing that loud mass-tantrum from outside tour window right now, take your ass back to your seat because they’re just the cries of a million Bieber-crazed toddlers in nursery hospitals from all over the world. Justin Bieber took the pacifier away from his mouth to suck on the sweet lips of a young semi-famous 16-year old singer named Jasmine Villegas, who’s also scheduled to appear in the opening act on The Bieb’s upcoming concert tour. A Canadian passerby chanced upon the Honda where Justin and Jasmine where playing tonsil-hockey in and snapped a picture. Via TMZ:

“The photos were taken on Thursday, September 9 in Venice, CA by some Canadian tourist who just happened to notice his country’s most famous pop star in the midst of a make-out session with the luckiest teenage girl on the planet. The two had been rumored to be dating … but they insisted they were just “really cool friends.”

Forget the lip-locking shit. What do you guys think about the last pic? Unless the chick was just tying her laces, I’m thinking Bieber was singing the lines of his famous song the moment this shit happened…altogether now! Baby, baby, baby…Ohhhh…

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Date Posted: September 21, 2010 - 12:53 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

Surprise! Lindsay Lohan failed test 2!  Ohh you gotta love this. After Lindsay’s cocaine test came out positive just a few days ago, reports are flying around that her ampethamine test turned out positive too! *GONG!* TMZ confirms this big bowl of Hoorah!

‘Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and a bench warrant issued for her arrest … TMZ has learned. Although the bench warrant was issued, it’s being held — i.e., on hold — until Friday at 8:30 AM, when Lindsay is ordered to appear in court. The move by Judge Elden Fox comes after TMZ’s story … that Lindsay failed two drug tests recently … one showed the presence of cocaine and another showed amphetamines. The probation report — outlining the failed tests — was just filed with the court.’

In addition to this, her terms of probation says that if she failed a drug test, she’ll be spending 30 days back in the chokey, which means she’ll now be spending 60 days after failing the second one.  Well, all I can say to this is…RUN, bitch, RUN!!!

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Date Posted: September 21, 2010 - 12:46 am by: Paris
Categories: Rachel Uchitel

Whip your weiner back in your pants because you won’t be seeing Rachel Uchitel’s big juicy ‘homewreckers’ in Playboy no more. Bitch got owned, and I mean that in the literal sense too. Apparently, she’s got this multi-million dollar settlement with Tiger Woods that restricts her to say shit about him in the interview. If one word about Tiger Wood’s pussy-loving ways come out of her big filthy mouth, she’s gonna lose the $10 million hush money.

So after thinking it over, and after a close friend of her who knows math explained to her that $10 million worth a shit ton than the $300k Playboy is offering, she quickly shut her legs close, pulled up her pants and kissed her Playboy dreams goodbye. Now ain’t life a bitch? Actually I don’t know who’s the bigger bitch between Tiger and Rachel. I kinda wanted to see this whore’s naked bits in Playboy.

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