There are three things to rely on. The sun to shine, that McDonald’s will always have delivery and that Playboy’s charisma is slowly but surely being flushed down the drain. You’d know if you’re in deep shit when you bring past bitches, nevermind if they still look fit enough or not to pose naked, on the recent spreads( i.e. Pamela Anderson), need I say more? Well this time, they offered Kendra Wilkinson to pose naked but bitch denied the offer. You know you’re in trouble when even your past hoes don’t want to do anything with your shit. Well reports are saying the the reason why Kendra Wilkinson naked body won’t be on Playboy is because of her husband Hank. Via E! News:
He didn’t yell at me,” Kendra says. “He wasn’t mad at me for doing that photo shoot. He actually sat down with me and he went over the reasons of doing it. And you know, my reasons weren’t right. I wanted to do Playboy for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons are to prove people wrong, not to prove it to myself but to people and to put my middle finger up to everybody and be like, ‘I’m going to do Playboy!’ But that wasn’t the right reason, you know?”
Could the reason behind Hank’s decision has something to do with the type of celebwhores Playboy have been courting to spread their legs for the mag? J-Woww, Oksana Grigorieva and Kate Gosselin, to name a few? I mean dude, I get that you’re trying to protect the dignifty of your marrying someone who used to lick on Hugh Heffner’s balls but it’s not like we haven’t seen your wife naked and banging a fugly-ass Albino in the most boring way possible, let alone a still spread on Playboy?!
Justin Timberlake took a break from getting strap-on dildoed in the ass by Jessica Biel to boink Olivia Munn. Reports are saying Olivia didn’t want to bump privates with Justin as long as he’s still with Jessica which led him to give her the typical ‘naw, we broke up’ sign. Via Us Weekly:
Believing he had left Biel and that her relationship with Timberlake might develop into something serious, Munn took him to her hotel, the Gansevoort Park Avenue NYC, Sept. 27 and 28, where “they were openly affectionate,” the insider adds. The insider tells Us the two “had amazing sex” that night.
Well seriously, I’m surprised on how much I don’t care about the fucky times these two twats had. What I want to know is how Jessica Biel will bust Olivia Munn’s ass with her biceps! I think these two should settle this in the best way possible. I’m thinking clothes off in a mud fight arena with dildoes, or am I being too subtle?
Finally, some good news! After being anal fucked without the lube by news about Lindsay Lohan I’m starting to grow cold sores all over my lips…her fuckery is just too strong for my immune system to take so this one’s a fuckin’ relief! Blake Lively’s ass is back in the market fellas! Heck yea, I can already visualize Blake’s very available legs wrapped around my head. Via Us Weekly:
They’re professionals,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “They’re still good friends and hang out on the set.” The source says that the duo — who met as preteen actors in L.A. — “kept this news to themselves for a while.” Even those closest to the twosome may be shocked to hear the news. “Nobody on set had any idea,” says the insider. “They’re really just private.”
Now I’m not really a rebound- kind of guy but if Blake Lively needs a peen to release all the anger and emotions, I’m so fucking in, and I mean that in the literal sense. I’ll bang her real hard it’ll straighten up her bad acting skills.
Guess who’s posing again for Playboy after a freakin’ decade? Yep. Pamela Anderson’s tits, ladies and gents. Pammie has first stripped for the magazine back in 1989 and eventually she landed the title Playmate of the Year in 1990. Now reports are saying the 40-something year old MILF now wants to gross out people. Via Starpulse:
“And now, 20 years later, Anderson is baring all again for the January 2011 issue, cavorting naked in a pool as an homage to Ekberg’s infamous scene in Rome, Italy’s Trevi Fountain with Marcello Mastroianni in the 1960 movie classic.
On his Twitter.com page, Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner writes, “Pamela Anderson is in the (Playboy) Mansion swimming pool, posing for the January cover in a tribute to ‘La Dolce Vita.’”
Aww man this sucks. So I better quit writing Playboy for a while begging them for Mila Kunis on the next cover ‘coz this means they’ll be balls-deep stacked doing Photoshop shit on this next issue.
Because Playboy has lost their fuckin’ mind as much as their standards, they offered Mel Gibson’s Russian ex-girlfriend slash wallet humper Oksana Grigorieva $75,000 to pose naked for the magazine, and not just in the spread to spread her pussy (badoink!), they’re offering to put her on the cover too! Luckily for us, the hoe isn’t going to do it ‘coz she’s so above it. Via TMZ:
“Steve Jaffe, Oksana’s PR guy, tells TMZ … “Not now, not ever, nor for any amount of money, would our client, Oksana Grigorieva, even consider any offer to pose for Playboy. Someone might have sent an email to one of her representatives but that’s not news.”
Alright damnit that’s it! What the fuck is up with Playboy lately? Take note people that this is the same mag who offered J-Woww a shit ton of money to pose naked. Who’s next? Amy Winehouse? Somebody wake up Heffner from his afternoon nap and tell him to lay off the jell-o for a while ‘coz there’s something in that shit that makes him dumber than his fake-tittied blonde bimbos.
Look it’s been a slow day and I swear to gawd if I pose another shit about Lindsay Lohan, I’m going to put a gun in my mouth. I would’ve contemplated about it had it not for the hot milf from the apartment across my window flashing me her jugs that I thought to myself, life is beautiful. Speaking of beautiful things, this one isn’t. Ke$ha, the singer who looks like your typical white gutter whore is apparently more fucked up than we expected. Bitch apparently wears roadkill, which is an insult to all roadkills, imo. Via Digital Spy:
“Ke$ha has said that she enjoys wearing handmade clothing and accessories fashioned from “roadkill” collected at her friend’s farm. Speaking to Newsweek, the ‘Tik Tok’ singer said that she would be happy for someone to wear accessories made out of her own body parts after she dies.
Ke$ha explained: “A friend of mine has a big farm in the desert, and she picks up feathers and roadkill for me, then makes it into clothes. I think it’s cool to wear roadkill. If I died and somebody wanted to wear my teeth around their neck to [the MTV] VMAs, I’d feel honoured.”
Great. Lady Gaga is wearing dead cow from a butcher shop and this hoe wants to top it. Ke$ha’s ass is so repulsive I don’t think Peta would even bother with this, and that’s saying A LOT.
Much as to nobody’s suprise, Lindsay Lohan’s ass won’t be marinating in jail because Judge Elden Fox has granted her to stay in rehab at the Betty Ford Center instead of the 180 days of time behind bars. Sources say there was a possible chance that the judge was going to send Lindsay to jail but somehow ended up acting the foo’ giving in to the requests of Lindsay’s camp. Via Radar:
Lindsay was ordered to stay at Betty Ford until Jan. 3, 2011. The district attorney wanted Lindsay to do 180 days of hard time behind bars and said, “we have not gotten her attention yet.” The judge made a point of keeping Lindsay in rehab through the holidays. “There is a reason for that,” he said in court. Judge Fox also said he was new to “this sort of rodeo.”
Seriously, at this point, this ginger cokewhore could rob a bank or run over an old lady crossing the street for all the law could care, but Lindsay will always be a free bitch. I bet she’s masturbating over the judge’s decision right now. Dayummm…she must be a real good muff diver to always be giving the law the middle finger and getting away every fuckin’ time.
Well this is convenient for all of us. Lindsay Lohan’s douchebag dad Michael Lohan is farting out that he was attacked just outside his home in Santa Monica, CA an hour after he received a threatening phone call. He said he went out to buy some cigarettes when the attack took place. TMX has more of this shit:
Sources tell us … Mike explained to police when he went to open his car door, he was jumped from behind. We’re told the suspect, whom Michael says is in his 50s or 60s, began choking him and had some kind of sharp object which he used to slice Michael’s neck. Michael says the knife penetrated his skin and caused substantial bleeding.
Asked about the possible reason why the attacker did that, the fart bag said he thinks it has something to do with his plan to show up at Lindsay’s court hearing and the suspect didn’t want him there. I want to ride along with this fucker’s fuckery but I just can’t today, especially after hearing Lindsay Lohan’s ass dodged jail again. This family is a bunch of circus freak slash attention whores. I bet Michael L just accidentally cut his neck shaving this morning and while looking at the mirror, thought ‘Ofcourse! Why didn’t I think about this?’ and collaborated this fake assault story. But in the .03949 chance that I’m wrong, I hope they charge the assailant for not finishing this a-hole off.
If it wasn’t enough to hear Christina Aguilera getting it on with Samantha Fucking Ronson, here’s another rumor that’s almost as equally fucked up. Some sources are saying Christina was a battered wife. Reports are claiming that the slutty clown came into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center with her mouth bleeding out of a busted-up lip. Her estranged husband Jordan Bratman told the nurses she had fallen down. Some witness-type hoes are also farting that they say Christina with bumps and red bruises along with her bloodied lip. Via Radar:
“Shortly after they arrived to Cedars, Christina’s ‘private surgeon’ arrived to put a few stitches in her lip,” the source added.
Adding to the mystery of why the singer needed treatment, on October 12, she was photographed wearing a hat pulled down over her face with what appears to be a small cut below her lower lip. That is the same day that she and Bratman announced the end of their five-year marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences.”
I highly doubt this soft sensitive-looking mole man could even hurt an ant in the ground, let alone his wife. But let’s say he turned Ike Turner on her, in his defense, he probably snapped and blacked out. The poor guy probably had enough of seeing Krusty the Clown everytime Christina gets done with her make-up.
This gremlin again. Well if you’re in the mood to strangle a fluffy kitten, then here’s your big bowl of WTF this morning. The fugly-ass Oompa Loompa named Snooki from Jersey Shore is queefing out to everyone that she’s turned Mother Theresa now isn’t humping any dead branch before she marries it. Via Radar:
“The pint sized reality star told a Detroit radio show Thursday she “hasn’t had sex in three months” — and RadarOnline.com has the full interview.
Snooki and Jenni “J-WOWW” Farley were guests on the Mojo In The Morning show and Snookster squelched pregnancy rumors and dished on how she’s not getting any action. “You have to have sex to get pregnant,” Snooki told the show’s hosts. “We are really into family values and getting married before… (getting pregnant).”
Well if this shit is really true, then that’s just fuckin’ wonderful. Do you have a problem about that? We don’t! That’s gonna save us from a whole decade of STD epidemic ‘coz I’m predicting nobody in his right mind would want to marry this trollop. And I’ve got a question, if Snooki’s twat is too diseased that no self-loving human would want to stick his peen inside it, that doesnt count as abstinence, does it?