Well this is convenient for all of us. Lindsay Lohan’s douchebag dad Michael Lohan is farting out that he was attacked just outside his home in Santa Monica, CA an hour after he received a threatening phone call. He said he went out to buy some cigarettes when the attack took place. TMX has more of this shit:
Sources tell us … Mike explained to police when he went to open his car door, he was jumped from behind. We’re told the suspect, whom Michael says is in his 50s or 60s, began choking him and had some kind of sharp object which he used to slice Michael’s neck. Michael says the knife penetrated his skin and caused substantial bleeding.
Asked about the possible reason why the attacker did that, the fart bag said he thinks it has something to do with his plan to show up at Lindsay’s court hearing and the suspect didn’t want him there. I want to ride along with this fucker’s fuckery but I just can’t today, especially after hearing Lindsay Lohan’s ass dodged jail again. This family is a bunch of circus freak slash attention whores. I bet Michael L just accidentally cut his neck shaving this morning and while looking at the mirror, thought ‘Ofcourse! Why didn’t I think about this?’ and collaborated this fake assault story. But in the .03949 chance that I’m wrong, I hope they charge the assailant for not finishing this a-hole off.
Well this is gonna suck balls. Apparently, Katy Perry isn’t as fun as her titties make her look bcause it turns out she’s one of those bridezillas who loves imposing shit before the wedding. In this case, she’s not letting her sex-addict fiance Russel Brand stick his hairy peen in her mud pie until their wedding night. Via Sunday Mirror:
“Katy wants everything to be special for their wedding, including the first night. The sex ban was definitely her idea. “Russell has reluctantly agreed, and they are sure it will be worth it after they have tied the knot.” The couple are reportedly heading to India later this month to wed in a traditional Hindu ceremony.”
You gotta love how she slapped him with a no-sex rule, trying her best to look like a Catholic when a. she’s going to have a Hindu wedding anyway and b. she’s not a damn virgin anymore. I mean if Katy Perry’s ass doesn’t want Russel Brand anymore all she has to do is to tell it to his face. Not put the poor guy in a bait he’ll obviously fall into. We’re talking about a guy who eats punani three times a day plus midnight snack and everytime with his coffee, ofcourse he’ll stick his wang into another girl’s punani that’s not Katy Perry’s.
Start saving those Kim Kardashian naked pictures and bask in them with everything you have because Ass Queen is telling everyone that her pussy peddling days are over! After her nude outtakes in Playboy went out, Kim K is no saying that she’s done with showing us her naked bits because she’s aging. Via Us Magazine:
That spread, she said, may have been her nude swan song. “I don’t know [if I'll pose nude again],” she admitted to Us. “I’m too old for that now…I wanted to get it all out of my system before I turned 30.”
Well this sucks. Maybe someone has to sit her down and show her pictures of Pamela Anderson and tell her there is no age limit for getting down and naked if you’ve got the decent goodies for it. No self-respecting whore would back down just because her flapjacks swayed a little. I’d still hit it. In the words of Kat Williams, let me tell her…“eitherway, we’re fucking!”
The Latina hotness known as Jessica Alba sat her ass down to have an interview with GQ where she tells the mag that she’s not a fan of having her body touched by a scalpel and would rather let her tits wrinkle and sag. However, she does admit in thinking about getting a nose job ‘coz it’s the in thing these days. Via GQ UK:
“I hate the idea of trying to freeze time. I believe in growing old as nature intended and, if the movie roles dry up as a result, then so be it. Though I was talking to my girlfriend about this and I was beginning to think I need a nose job to be like everyone else. It’s nuts how many nose jobs are going on here (Hollywood) at the moment.”
Well listen, if she really wants to be like everyone else she doesn’t need to do shit with her nose. All she needs is a camera, a bed, my weiner and let the camera star rolling for a damn sex tape!
You can count on Taylor Momsen to look like a younger, drugged-up emo version of Pamela Anderson but don’t expect her to let Tommy Lee stick his wrinkled wang into her vajayjay anytime because the little racoon slut is raising the FUCK, NO flag in an interview with Revolver magazine where she confessed that she’s no virgin to watching porm films among other things. Via Popeater:
“If it’s a good sex tape, I’ll watch it … I like some adult stars. I have a couple favorites. But I will say this: That Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson video wasn’t very good. I wouldn’t f**k Tommy Lee,” the singer says.
Well I mean that sounds about right. To be fair, the US law states that no one can bang Tommy if they don’t have atleast 5 types of STD and if they aren’t Pamela Anderson. Taylor might be a trying-hard attention whore with the bad case of verbal diarrhea but bitch know what not to mess with.
Since the news of Christina Aguilera and Jason Bratman divorce, rumors has been flying around saying there was a third-party involved and everyone didn’t bat their eyelids because we all knew this shit was inevitable from the beggining but now some sources are saying that the third-party doesn’t involve anyone with a dick. Can’t quite get it? Okay let me tell it to you as subtle as possible. Christina Aguilera is a lesbian! Via Radar:
“The bodyguard told me it was an understanding within their marriage and that she brings girls home and Jordan’s okay with it,” the woman said.
“I met Christina in the bathroom and she told me she liked to play with girls. I ended up not pursuing anything with it because the situation just seemed so weird to me, but Christina was definitely looking to hook up.”
According to the source, Christina has been known to frequently approach women while out at gay bars in Los Angeles.”
Suddenly, Christina Aguilera just got ten times hotter to me! I always thought she was just an obnoxious ball of clown shit but it turns out she’s got some boner-inducing stuff goin’ on in her life. Somewhere, Lindsay Lohan is using her 5-minute free call from the rehab to ask Christina for a threesome with Sam Ro. Okay drop Sam Ro, the visual is ruining it for me.
Ofcourse. It only makes sense that any screwed-up coke addict like Lindsay will blame their shit on the people who raised her, in this case Michael Fucking Lohan. The ginger skank is queefing out to everyone at the Betty Ford clinic that it’s because of her father’s abusive ways and dysfunctional family that she became a carpet-muncher, juvenile attention whore, aspiring pornstar, whatever she is today. Via TMZ:
Lindsay repeatedly talks about allegations Dina made in her divorce papers … that Michael abused her. Lindsay says she witnessed it firsthand, and it’s still tough to deal with. In particular, Lindsay claims she had to step in and protect her mother from Michael. Michael has denied allegations of physical abuse.
So let me get this straight, is Lindsay Lohan trying to hint that in order for her to get a healthy lifestyle and a coke-free, drama-free and jailcell-free life is if somebody puts Michael Lohan in a plane and give him instructions how to fly to the Bermuda triangle? No? Err…well I tried.
Well this is some random funny shit. This is the kind of Lindsay news we only should be hearing because the coke-humping, pussy peddling and jail hopping news are just so yesterday. The real news is right here: Iggy Pop wants Lindsay Lohan’s ass to portray him in an in-the-works movie about his life. Via Prefix:
“She looks like me, and she’s the only one with enough attitude too,” Pop told Triple J. “They could tape her boobs up or something. She’s been in jail at the right age and everything, so I though she could do it.”
Lindsay should start wondering why she’s being given these kind of roles. After playing Linda Lovelace, now it’s Iggy who thinks Lindsay is the right fit for the role. Would you even wonder why? She does the aging ex-addict so naturally.
Because hanging out with nerdy chicks with wands is getting kinda boring, Daniel Radcliffe has jumped on his broom and flew to greener pastures, with hotter chicks who know their way around a different kind of broom, in Broadway! Now that the young British actor is single, expect him to stick his meat rod in any chick willing to spread her legs infront of him because he’s either a stud in her eyes or she’s fulfilling some kind of childhood sex fantasy on wizards. Via Dazed & Confused:
“I’ve been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I’m single. I said to a friend the other day, ‘Dude, I’m doing a show with dancers. I’ve got to be single.’
“He was like, ‘Don’t sleep with anyone in your own show. That’s a mistake.’ It’s good advice. But I’m not sure I’ll stick to it.”
Well no shit, if you got the name and face for it why the hell be single. ‘Ya know? But wait a minute…was it girls he was talking about?
Paris Hilton has found her little minion and apparently, she’s already in the works in training her to be just like her when she grows up, in other words, a whore. Which leads me to wonder, where in the world is this poor girl’s mother? I mean what kind of parent would surrender her child to this vapid praying mantis. Via Radar:
“I have a new BFF… and we spend time with Shae, who is seven-years-old, every weekend in Las Vegas. Shae is so smart and we love spending time together,” Paris told RadarOnline.com. “We go shopping, I take her to the pet store and to the arcade. We take her to the Circus Circus amusement park. We do normal things.”
Please. All this little girl will learn from Paris is how to get a DUI or how to make a sextape. Somebody save her!