If you’re a nosy fucker like me who likes following celebrity divorces and want to be in the know on the hot vulnerable Hollywood bombshells in need of a rebound fuck, then here’s an update on Eva Longoria’s separation from douchebag Tony Parker. Reports are saying that Tony was jealous of Mario Lopez, of all people, and that put a strain on their marriage as wekk as the fact that he banged 7 other whore son the side. Via National Enquirer:
“Eva thought she’d found the perfect man in Tony, but in the end he deceived her, lied to her and broke her heart,” a close source told The Enquirer. Tony was also rumored to be secretly seeing another women in France besides Alexandra Paressant. Despite his cheating, Tony was extremely jealous of Eva’s close friendship with Mario Lopez, insiders say. “Tony never liked or trusted Mario,” said a source. “He called him ‘the pretty boy actor who’s mad that he can’t have my wife.’
I call bullshit on this one. Everyone knows Mario Lopez is as straight as the Tom Cruise’s crystal dildo so what the fuck dude? If you’re tired of humping on Eva Longoria’s punani everyday then just say so. But don’t go telling buddies that you’re jealous a gay dude might bang your wife. So grow some fuckin’ balls, and pardon my french!
Last night I smashed my face while I was looking at Eva Mendes naked pics online. I was whacking the dong when I got all fired up and dove head first in my screen hoping I’d somehow end up in the bed next to Eva Mendes in the picture. Well it was an epic fail, thanks to Jumper, one of my tooth fell off. So I put that shit under my pillow and tried to pick up where I’d left. I wished for an Eva Mendes sextape. This morning, I almost jizzed in my pants when I saw the header on Buzzfeed that says Eva Mendes Sex Tape in size 18 font, Times New Roman(or could be Garamond, the hell do I know about fonts?) and an exclamation point!
The pervs over at Buzzfeed is basically saying that somewhere, someone is sitting on a precious tape that might feature Eva Mendes getting her Cuban punani ransacked in every which way by a pack of hybrid motherfuckers, one of them a blogger. But of course, that’s just me. Who knows what that shit is about. I’m just crossing my balls that it’s 100% legit ‘coz if not, I got a tooth fairy I’ll have to capture and sell as a Hula Girl dashboard.