Date Posted: July 4, 2010 - 7:07 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

I’m really starting to think Lindsay Lohan has some kind of voodoo powers like the kind where you hypnotize someone to  think the way you want them to think, because even cops lose their wits or common sense when Lindsay Lohan’s ass is around.

TMZ reports:

..the cop who took custody of the cocaine mistook it for a breath mint and threw it in the trash. Pretty incredible, but according to the Santa Monica Police report — obtained by TMZ — the officer “discovered a folded Clinique sun care card with an unknown substance caked on to the surface of the card in Lohan’s right rear pocket.”

The report goes on:  “Some of the white substance fell to the floor. I used my foot to see what had fell but thought nothing of it. I did not recognize the substance attached to the card and initially thought the substance was a wet crushed breath mint.”
And now it gets good: “I put the card into the jail trash can next to the booking windows.  I was looking at the floor and began to recognize the substance as resembling powder cocaine. I then recovered the card from the trash.”

The cop says the coke was in the trash for about 2 minutes. He put the card in an evidence envelope, then scooped up the coke that had fallen to the floor and placed it in a separate evidence envelope.


Well holy shit! It all makes sense to me now. Why didn’t I realize it…Lindsay Lohan could be our country’s special weapon to win the war from Iraq! Quick! Somebody put her in a box and deploy her to Iraq along with a no return policy slip.

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Date Posted: June 28, 2010 - 3:11 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

Okay I know we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan’s excuses coming like Lindsay Lohan’s naked freckled tits but this time the booze-loving celebslut has added a new excuse in her book. Excuse #347,309: spray tanning.

TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan is flirting with danger by spray tanning, after being warned it could trigger a positive alcohol reading with the SCRAM people.

Multiple sources say people have told Lindsay she can’t get a spray tan while she’s wearing the bracelet, because a chemical in the tanning solution can create a reading which would show the presence of alcohol.

Lindsay’s response to that warning — we’re told she’s still getting a spray tan 1 to 2 times a week.

Geeze, it’s almost like this bitch is really asking for the judge to throw her ass in jail. This may sound odd and probably true but considering Lindsay Lohan’s train wreck lifestyle is heading towards a cliff, a jail cell just might be the safest place for her right now.

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Date Posted: June 23, 2010 - 2:57 am by: Paris
Categories: Hayden Panettiere

The giant-humping midget showed up with her boyfriend yesterday in the streets with her internal organs still intact. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always found Hayden Panettiere to be really hot and that’s saying a lot considering she’s got a nonexistent rack. However, a chick who dates studs ten times her size could either be a masochist or has some real daddy issues.

I’m just having a hard time feeling the hot vibe from these pics. Maybe if these two didn’t look like something taken out of a Brothers Grimm story, it would be different. An ogre and a troll isn’t exactly my cup of tea.

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Date Posted: May 21, 2010 - 2:40 am by: Paris
Categories: Lindsay Lohan

Because she is the Roman Polanski of the alcoholic crackheads of Hollyslut, U.S. Customs and Border Protection has a warrant arrest for Lindsay Lohan as soon as she arrives in US soil…if she’s ever thinking of coming back. This crackhead has used all the excuse in the book not to get her ass to court hearings and it’s about effin time somebody slapped a warrant on her forehead!

TMZ reports:

Judge Revel set bail at $100,000 and said Lindsay can post bail and remain free until the next court hearing, IF she does the following:
- drink no alcohol
- wear a SCRAM bracelet
- submit to random drug testing at least once a week

Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, told the judge the story TMZ broke — that Lindsay claimed her passport was stolen and she tried getting on a flight to make it on time but was turned away. At one point Holley said, “I don’t know what else to tell you.” But the judge didn’t buy Lindsay’s argument, saying “Actions speak louder than words.” The judge felt Lindsay could have gotten a replacement passport and made it back on time. And, the judge said Lindsay had “a history of not keeping scheduled appointments.”

Well come back home soon Lindsay! Everybody can’t wait to see you………………behind bars!

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Date Posted: May 13, 2010 - 2:08 am by: Paris
Categories: Paris Hilton

Christ, this half-human half-praying mantis knows no bounds in shameless whoring. Wasting no minute to find a replacement since Doug Reinhardt dumped her boney ass, she opened her mantis wings and fluttered over to a certain Glee star named Mark Salling.

From the National Enquirer:

“Paris Hilton wasted no time after splitting with baseball player Doug Reinhardt — the hotel heiress jumped right into a rebound romance with hunky “Glee” star Mark Salling. The two met several months ago and had chatted by email many times. But as soon as Doug was out of the picture, Paris invited Mark to a candlelit gourmet dinner at her home, said Paris’ close friend. “Paris says not only is Mark gorgeous, but unlike Doug, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he’s an up-by-the bootstraps kind of guy who made his own fame and fortune . . . Mark has agreed to help Paris land a guest spot on Glee.”

Well, gee…is the show Glee just lacking drama and censored blowjobs so they needed someone to play the highschool skank? Because I don’t know what kind of person would want Paris Hilton in on their show if not for the free herpes that comes along with the contract.

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